It wasn't that terrible, but I had that saying stuck in my head and that isn't the whole saying either. From a story or something that Becca used to say.
I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. And I hate being sick. It has to be the most unproductive thing there is and there is nothing I can't stand more than to be unproductive. Everything I tried to do today just didn't seem to work out. Every clay piece I put in the over ended up burnt and I haven't burnt a piece since I started clay some seven years ago. So frustrating.
My nose is what is driving me nuts. It itches so bad and nothing I do seems to help. I know it has to be allergies but even benedryl isn't helping. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That me running around in circles screaming.
The part that is frustrating me is that my body is in a shut down mode, not physically wanting to do anything, but my brain hasn't shut off once today. So many ideas going through my head on things to do and none of the energy to do them.
I am also struggling with being a Pagan/Wiccan. So many of those things I grew up with seem to be haunting me of sort. It seems like my upbringing in mainstream Christianity closes my brain whenever I try to think any other way than the way I was taught. The thing of it is that I truly believe that this is the path I am supposed to be on.
It's those recordings that keep playing over and over again and I can't seem to erase them to let the new things in. Like the tape won't let me erase it. How does one go about erasing the tape? Sure many would say that it took 40+ years for those recordings to get in there and it will take some time to get them out. I just don't even know where to begin though. Where is the rewind button? Or maybe I don't rewind at all? Maybe I just start adding new recordings, one at a time and keep going till it will eventually replace an old recording. Maybe I should just begin with how I came to believe that this is the path for me.
It actually begin with a movie, how corny and unreal does that sound? It's true though.
It was in the movie "Stigmata" where the priest gets the translation of what she writes on the wall...
Jesus said... the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood... and I am there, lift a stone... and you will find me.
That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. That is where it all started for me. It made me see things differently. How could it be that God only visits churches? As the Bible says, he created the heavens and earths. Not that he created a nice building to the left for us to worship him at. Why would he want us sitting in some building that would obstruct us from seeing all the wonder that he created? That logically just doesn't make sense to me.
From there the my thinking began to expand more and more. One of my sayings that I have had for a few years now is that "God only wants us to be nice and loving to each other". I don't think it was meant to be some points and balance system. I mean if you think about it, it really comes down to the bottom line. Be kind to each other, follow that and the rest of the rules don't need to be spoken. If you are being kind to someone you're not going to kill them, get my point?
I did come to realize that I don't believe in organized religion. Man has distorted it so much and twisted it to his own wants that the original message has been lost. Through my searching if there were others that thought the same way I met a few that did think this way. Or at least came close to it.
The first was a wonderful lady I met while living in Virginia Beach. I loved the way she worded things and how she made statements that made it all so simple and not some trumped up way of thinking. It seemed so clear that it was simple. I didn't ask her what "religion" she followed, because that is an uncomfortable thing to ask. Every time I went to her house I always felt at peace. There was just something so welcoming and wonderful about her house that I never wanted to leave. I don't remember how it came up but eventually I found out she was Wiccan/Pagan. That went against everything that I was taught. "They" were supposed to be devil worshipers and a sleuth of other horrible things that I had ground into my head. How could I feel so connected and so at home in her house if that is what she was about?
Needless to say I opened my mind a little and read here and there about her religion. I am always one to try to get as many facts about something before I place my opinion on it. Well besides the horrible recordings that go on in my head. I remember watching a show about a family that lived Pagan and how they seemed "normal" and wasn't all weird. Ok, so two examples of how this isn't as bad as everyone made it out to be.
Then when I moved to California I met a now very dear friend and we talked about our beliefs and our raising. We both were raised in the same private schools and had many times in growing up that our paths should have crossed and didn't. I dated a guy her best friend dated in high school. I went to church with her ex-husband. The list keeps going on and on. As we talked we found that we shared a lot of the same beliefs. Then I found out she was Pagan. Ok, what the heck? Why do I always seem to find someone I share the same beliefs with and they are Pagan? As my dear friend said to me one day "Julia, you are more Pagan than you think." And that is when I really started to take to heart that this just might be the path I am supposed to be on. Heck I'm already on it, just have to start acting on it.
Each of these times I would get close to taking the first step to walking this path but the horrible recordings would come in and it would be destroyed and I would run away from it. Like I would burn in hell if I even ventured down the road even a little. And on the subject of hell. Do I think there is some little devil out there that tries to get me to do the bad things in life. NO!! I think as humans we either make the choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing, we can't blame every wrong thing we do on some other entity out there. It's basically a way of not claiming it as our own mistake. Problem with society today to begin with. Well I was distressed and that's why I killed my spouse. Yeah that's it. Blame someone or something else. That always seems to work in making yourself a better person. NOT!!
I just had an epiphany. Why am I able to think this way so clearly to myself but I can't seem to get my heart to follow? Every time my heart starts down the path to believing, my head jumps in with those recordings and it holds me back. I'm holding myself back. Claim it for what it is, right? Why am I holding myself back though? Why am I stopping myself?
I see it as this world out there that is full of peace and tranquillity. (Not that I think it will solve all my problems, far from it) It's like home is out there and the door is wide open, but I can't seem to step through the door. Is it going to take something coming up behind me and kicking me through the door?
How do I take the first step?
How do I step through the door?
How do I take the leap of faith?
There is a blog entry that I would love to read from someone out there that tells how they took that first step. I feel like it is all inside of me dying to get out, if I could just know how to take the first step. At least I would then have a place to begin because right now I don't have a clue where to begin. How do I start living this life not just reading about it?
Well I am going to get myself to bed have to start my new *lesser* hours at work tomorrow.
May your day be filled with many smiles.