Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Update and ramblings....

Update on the house selling is that the realtor came by the other night with another realtor. She was concerned that she didn't have enough experience to handle a mobile home and to get me home by Christmas. Now I completely accept that that is a fantasy of sort. I know very well that the market is horrible and me selling my house could take quite a bit of time. This was basically her very first house to sale and she was concerned I would be upset with her. I let her know that I was far from being upset about it. She was honest enough to step up and let me know that, besides the fact that her first concern was me selling this place. Like I explained to her that night, all I want to do is go home. So, we have a new realtor at a different company all together and the house is at a lot lower price. Little concerned about the lower price. I knew it would have to go lower to get any traffic on it, but it seemed a little lower than what I was thinking. Doesn't give us much room to play compared to the amount of money I am hoping to drive out of California with to do the things I feel I need to do when I get back to Arkansas. This realtor has a lesser percent they take so that should make up for the lower price. Hey, if it gets this place sold then all the better. 

I am a little perplexed right now. My job is annoying the heck out of me. As I said before they cut my hours and I found the positive of that and was going with it. Yesterday I spent all day at my clay table and got a few things finished. Now I just need to finish the pieces up, putting pendants on cord for necklaces, put resin on misc.  pieces for the finishing glaze, so on and so forth. So I was taking full advantage of this lesser hours and was really enjoying it. It was working to my advantage of spending more time on getting pieces done so I can open an etsy account, or something like etsy. My goal is to have my art become a major part of my life and to be a good portion of my income. Back to the job, last week a girl at work has been sick and I can understand being sick and needing to take time off. But, she doesn't even call in to tell Boss that she sent her son in with a note from a doctor saying she would be out till this last Monday. When I showed up on Monday she wasn't there and Boss didn't bother to call her to see where she was. When 2pm came around and I was clocking out to go home, Boss asked why I wasn't staying. Well he never even mentioned to me staying, just assumed that I would stay. That is one thing that people should know about me, don't assume I will do anything. I don't read minds, it costs extra!!! At first I thought about saying "Ok I will stay.", then I thought you know what I can say no and the world will not end. No isn't a word that comes out of my mouth too often, one of my downfalls. But, Monday was the first step to stopping that. I am going to try my hardest not to do something that I really don't want to do just because I just don't have the umphhhh to say no. He wasn't happy about it by the look on his face, but really I didn't have too much concern about it. Have a little respect for me by just mentioning it to me earlier in the day so I can make arrangements or at least get it in my head that I am staying longer. I don't have to give more respect that I get, do I? Why should I be more considerate than others just because they have done nothing to fix a situation? He has no idea where this other girl is or why she isn't coming into work or at least calling in, so why should I have to be the one to cover his butt because he doesn't want to be mean and call her on her crap. 

So tonight I am sitting there and the phone rings, guess who? It's my boss again and he is asking me to come in at 9am, an hour earlier, so that doesn't bother me to bad and I can hang with that. Then I am sitting here and thinking, that means that girl still isn't back at work and I can only imagine that he hasn't done anything to find out when she is coming back. So everyone else has to come in to cover her because he refuses to do anything about the situation. Just so frustrating!! I am so tired of people thinking I will clean up a mess. The only mess I am going to be cleaning up is my own. That is going to be my resolution for myself this year. Stop cleaning others messes. Stop letting my goals take second place to what others want. Treat myself with more respect and consideration. Be my own best friend. Because I realize that that is the actual problem. Not what others do or say to me, but what I allow. 

There is something that I have somewhat admitted to myself but am now ready to accept it fully. I left Arkansas when my hubby passed away because I was running away from the memories that we had built there. It's a small town and I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle driving down the same roads, shopping at the same places, and eating at the same place that he and I did. So I ran. Some would say that it was understandable and to some extent it is, but Arkansas has been my home for over 10 years total. We moved to Virginia once for job reasons and that fell apart and the first thing I thought was good now I can go home. Now I am ready to go home and I am ready to face his death. Seems strange to say that after almost three years but it's the truth. I have faced it sort of. Sure I pulled myself up and lived a life, but it wasn't my life. It was just going through the motions. Now I am ready to live again and the first step I have to take is to go home. I ran from it and the memories but the only way I am going to move forward is to face those memories and see the Arkansas that I grew to love so much. Yes the memories will always be there, but now I want to see those memories and really mourn them and then come to a point where I can smile when I see those same dirt roads, see that restaurant that we used to always eat at, see the Wally World (only store there lol) that we did our shopping at and the biggest one would be to drive past the house that he died in. 
That is something I am determined to do. See the house where we lived. To see the house that he died in on the living room floor. I want to face it. I want to stand in front of it and claim my heart back. I lost my heart that day in that house and I am ready to go there and get it back. It's still broken but I am going to go get it and hold it tight and love it and heal it. 
And I am going to go stand there in the front yard and say good bye to the man I love so much. I'm going to go home so I can let him go home. I've held on to him so hard and now I am ready to let him go fly free. 

I couldn't handle all that after his death but I am stronger now. I know I can stand on that land and start a new life. To start my life again. I'm ready, I am finally ready!!

I had this feeling today that change is coming and it felt like it was a good change. Not sure what the change is or when it will come but I was watching my daughter put away the groceries and it came over me that a change is coming. 

So I'm ready for a year of changes!! Ready to embrace them all and take them for the positive that the Universe is leading me to.

May your day be filled with many smiles and blessings!!

1 comment:

  1. To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn.
    Be gentle with yourself, you are right in the perfect place that you are supposed to be in!!
    You were born for this moment.
    Love and hugs hugs.
    Have a great week!