Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Horrible Day

Today turned out to be a very horrible day. And to have it happen on my baby Becca's birthday just makes it all the more horrible because I didn't get to say Happy Birthday to her and sing to her like I do every year. 


My youngest daughter and I had a blow out this evening. Not about the religious path she is choosing but because of the life choices she is making. Moving to another state with a guy she has only known six months and has only technically been dating for two days. They say they won't move till March a whole month in a half away. Guess that is a lifetime and I just didn't know it. 


Then again from what I gather I don't know anything and she has to make her own mistakes. Infamous last words but we all said them at some time in our lives. 


And really if she wants to move to Tibet with a guy she barely knows more power to her and like I explained to her the only person I was concerned about was AJ and what will happen if the relationship doesn't work out. AJ gets bonded with this guy and sees him as a father figure and when they decide they can't be with each other anymore where does that leave AJ? A poor little boy that has lost another man in his life. She said she doesn't want to live in fear or on what if's she just wants to be happy. That's all well in good when you aren't a mother and only a teenager. But in the real world that isn't fair to AJ.


I'm just his grandma though I don't have a say so in anything. I'm just the person that helped support her and AJ for the last year or so. Guess that doesn't count for anything. Which I guess it really doesn't. 


So tonight I sit here alone because she has moved out and I don't even know where she is going because she said that was her business. But I do know that her little boyfriend is the one that helped her move her things out so I can only imagine that is where she has gone. 


I gave AJ a lot of hugs and kisses and told him I love him and to be a good boy for his mommy. What more could I do? 


I'll be offline for a while though as I am going to turn off my internet to save money in the next couple days, maybe I'll get in a few more post before I do. Hopefully not too long as the house will sale and I will get it back up as soon as I get to where I am going. Even questioning going back to Arkansas now as well. Won't even have her and AJ there with me. Maybe I'm just being silly and it was time for me to move on with MY life just such a blow to the heart to see my little grandbaby walk out the door and to know I won't get to  rock him to sleep at night anymore. Or to see his bright face when I come home from work. My heart is just breaking. Maybe tomorrow will be a bit brighter.


Also going to be calling the realtor tomorrow to lower the price on the house even more. I have to get out of this house even more now because of financial reasons. And truthfully it's really painful to look around and still see them here in my mind and heart. I know it will get better with time and I know that I would have had to go through this in the future I just didn't see it playing out like this. 


Please send some good and positive energy my way. I need all I can get right now. I wish I knew how to cleanse my house or at least had the money to buy some sage to cleanse it with. Maybe it would help me to embrace my Pagan path more. To cleanse it and start fresh with the way I want to lead my life. 


Guess I am just grasping for something I can hold on to right now. Feels like it is all slipping through my hands. 


I need sleep sure that will help as well. Going to get off of here and try to get a good nights rest. 


May your day be filled with smiles and blessings. 


Julia




P.S. She just called and said she forgot AJ's diapers and will be here in twenty to pick them up. AJ's diapers? Really, you forgot one of the things you need for him. She didn't take his toys either, WTF? Amazing!!!

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry for you - it's hard to watch someone, especially a daughter - make mistakes or rush into things like this. But there's not much you can do except be there when it falls apart. I know you worry about AJ, rightfully so. I guess these are the times when we ask the powers that be to watch over and protect them - what else can you do? I hope this works itself out quickly!!

    hugs and blessings,
    Aine

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  2. Sorry to hear about your awful day -- I hope things improve!

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